A Change Of Heart
by desolate-love
Summary: What If When Bella Jumped Off The Cliff, She Was Trying To Kill Herself? What If She Succeeds? R&R Please :D
1. Chapter 1

Have you ever had a time in your life when you don't think things can get any worse? And then they get worse? Well that's the story of _my _life. Only, things can't possibly get any worse at this point.

I never thought I would commit suicide. I never thought I would commit suicide because of a boy. That's the problem, he wasn't just a boy. He, Edward…, was my other half. The reason I was put on this earth, and without him, I no longer belong here.

I think about him as I drive up the muddy path in my truck. I could hear the engine roar over the thunder and pouring rain. The weather only made this occasion more perfect. Dark and gloomy; it was just what I needed. It reflected the way I felt since he had left.

The path going up to the top of the cliff. It's lonely, and it whispers to me as I go. 'Stop Bella, please stop.' But I don't heed it's cries. Jacob told me the fall from the top was dangerous, and he had only ever gone off from halfway. My destination was the highest point on the cliff. I want to reach heaven when I jump. I want to know what it's like to be an angel. Only I wont have wings to save me.

I stopped my truck at the end of the road. It almost felt as if it was sad to see me go, that it would never hear from me again. It almost puts me to tears, because that truck makes me think of Jacob. I almost turn back as his name, but even Jacob can't fix me. And so I continue up the last few yards of the hill.

My pants are covered with mud and leaves, and my legs are heavy. I don't have the strength to move my feet anymore. I let myself fall to the ground. My arm lands on a rock and starts to bleed, though I don't care. I'm only inches from the edge of the cliff, I maneuver myself so that I can look over the side; so I can see where I'm going to die.

With much effort I lift my body to a standing position; blood is covering my entire left arm. It hurts, but it wont for long. I kick off my shoes and socks. It's freezing. Goosebumps cover me nearly head to toe. I can only imagine how cold it will be when I'm falling. But strangely, the thought makes me smile. I shiver as a cold wind makes itself known. It almost knocks me down. Almost.

Just like when James almost killed me .I would have welcomed death, had he been here now. I would have excepted it, cherished it. But life's not going to make it that easy. It's going to make me work for it, and so I will.

Enough is enough. The time is now, death is only a few seconds away if I want it to be. And oh, how I want it so bad.

The wind picks up a little as I position myself at the very edge of the rocks. Breathe Bella, for the last time. Just breathe, and all of your problems will be taken care of. All you have to do is jump.

Just jump.

As I hurdle down towards the water I allow myself to think of everyone one last time. Of Edward, of Jacob, of Charlie, of Alice. Everyone that I would miss. But nothing changes my mind.

I slam into the black waves and let myself be pulled under. Water is pouring into my lungs and I can't stay conscious much longer. Black splotches are clouding my vision as I begin to fade.

Then I wait. Where is heaven? Shouldn't I be there by now?

My chest hurts. It hurts so bad. Death isn't supposed to be this bad.

I open my eyes.

Everything is mixed with something else. After a few seconds my eyes focus and I can see clearly.

Jacob?

"Bella breathe. Please. I love you, please breathe." I thought you didn't have to breathe when you die. Do I?

Did Jake die too?

"Jacob.." I manage to whisper. It burns my throat. No more talking.

I black out again. This time I wake up in my truck.

'I'm still alive.' I thought. Anger flooded through my body. 'DAMNIT!' I can't do anything right! All I wanted was death and I can't even have that.'

"Hundred and nine degrees over here, if you're cold Bella." I look and see Jacob driving. I move over to him and wrap my arms around his waist. He's warm. And he's smiling. I love Jacob. Maybe life wouldn't be so bad with him around. Suicide sounds like such a silly idea as I breathe in his woodsy scent.

We continue to drive along the familiar roads of Forks. We turn onto main street and I know where we're going.

My house.

He drove me home. "Does Charlie know what I did?" I ask quietly and nervously.

He shook his head. "He's visiting Mrs. Clearwater. Harry died of a heart-attack this afternoon."

It was a good thing Jake saved me. Charlie would have been even more crushed than he is now. Poor Harry. Poor Sue. Poor Charlie.

I make to leave the car, but Jacob doesn't let me. He pulls me back.

"I smell a vampire," He spits out.

I look around to see if anyone was visible to me. The only thing different from when I left, was a car parked across the street from my house.

Was that a Mercedes?

Nobody around here could afford one of those…? Wait. Didn't Carlisle have one like that?

I looked closer to inspect the car, It was his.

All of the sudden the memories that I had been holding back came flooding back into the front of my mind. That _was _Carlisle's car. He was back. I had to see him.

I ran out the car door and sprinted up my front steps.

"Bella no! I Can't leave you here!"

"It's Carlisle Jake, I have to go!"

"I can't protect you here Bells, please come with me."

I shook my head and ran into my house. Tears were flooding down my cheeks. I hate making Jake upset. I needed this though. I flicked the light on.

Alice?

Alice!

I flung my arms around her and started crying even more so than before.

"Bella? How…?"

"Alice I'm so glad to see you!"

"Would you like to explain to me why you're still alive? Why on earth would you try and kill yourself!? Did you forget that I could see you? How do you think that would make me feel? What about Charlie!? What were you thinking!? Bella I can't believe you would do something like this…."

She started to trail off. When she came to a stop she looked at me so deeply I almost felt that she could see right through me, that she was seeing my real reasoning. I started to answer, but I had a shortness of breath.

Alice wrapped her arms around me and whispered "Bella it's okay. I'm here and it's okay." I breathed in her wonderful honey scent and it calmed me a little.

"Alice," I found my voice, "I thought it was what I wanted." This brought a fresh wave of tears, and I was crying so heavily that I couldn't breathe.

Alice took me into her arms and carried me upstairs and into my room. She placed me onto my bed and under the covers. I whimpered as she stood back up, so she laid down next to me. She sang to me. Her voice was so beautiful. I can't remember how long it took, but I eventually fell asleep.

I woke up and Alice wasn't next to me anymore. She wouldn't have left would she? I panicked. She wouldn't do that to me.

I slowly got up from my bed, careful not to move my wounded arm too much, or to over exert myself. My body was weak from yesterday, and I could hardly move. I carefully made my way out my room and to the top of the stairs. I could hear a noise from the kitchen, but my voice hurt and I couldn't speak. I tried to make my way down, but my foot slipped from under me and I fell the rest of the way down. I barely felt anything because I was so numb. But I knew something bad had happened, there was a horrible snapping noise when I hit the floor. I didn't know whether it was my leg, my arm, or my neck. All I knew was that I had been hurt, but I couldn't feel anything.

Alice and Charlie came rushing to me. Both of them looking panicked. I don't remember how, but the next thing I know is being in Charlie's cruiser with Alice supporting my head. We moved as fast as the car could go. Charlie kept looking back in the mirror to check on me, but I knew that it wasn't necessary. If I was dying, wouldn't Alice save me? Wouldn't she turn me? Edward may not want me, but wouldn't Alice?

Charlie parked the car outside the emergency lane at the hospital. He took me from Alice, though it was not needed; she would be able to support me easier than him, and they ran through the glass doors.

The nurses hurried around us as they placed me on a gurney and rushed me away from Alice and Charlie. I cried for them, but the nurses must not have heard me. Because neither of them were allowed to follow.

I woke up to the sound of machines beeping and monitors buzzing around me. My eyes wouldn't open right away, but I knew there was someone else in the room with me. It wasn't Charlie, I could smell the honey scent that only came from my favorite family. It was Alice.

I called for her in the smallest voice I could manage, though it still hurt my throat. Someone took my hand, but it wasn't Alice, these hands were much too big. They were smooth. Familiar.

"Alice called me. Bella, why'd you do it?" That voice. Could it be? I though he didn't care about me. It couldn't possibly be him. He hates me.

I opened my eyes, not caring whether or not they were ready to open. It hurt. I winced.

The cold hands held my face, and made my eyes feel better. It made everything feel better. I went to say something, but he stopped me.

"Bella honey, don't talk please. The nurse said your throat was inflamed, and it won't do any good to talk right now."

Why was he here? Why did he care now? I gave him a questioning look, and he seemed to realize why I wanted to talk to him. He knew that I didn't understand why he had come back. He got up from his seat next to my bed and went to look out the window. It was still raining. He seemed to be enjoying the view, he was smiling.

"Alice called me earlier today. She told me that you tried to kill yourself. She also said that while you were sleeping you kept mentioning my name, and you kept saying the word 'alone'. I didn't know what to make of this. Bella… How could you let one lie ruin your faith in me? When I said that I didn't love you it was the blackest form of blasphemy. I was about ready to come back and find you, I couldn't handle being without you Bella. I love you." He looked away from the rain and took his seat beside my bed again.

I went to say something again, but he stopped me.

"Shh. Just sleep love, I'll be here when you wake up. I promise." He sang me my lullaby, and I drifted right away.

When I woke up, there he was. Just as he said he would be. Though, at the moment, he wasn't what I was focused on. I could feel now. My entire body ached. It felt like I was on fire, I couldn't stand it. I let out a faint scream and I squirmed around under the sheets. He came over and held me still. He looked worried.

"Bella? Bella what's wrong?" He called the nurse and she came into the room a few minutes later. I couldn't tell what she was doing. It just hurt so bad, why wouldn't they make it go away? I just don't want to feel anymore. After the nurse was done doing whatever she had been doing, I felt the pain in the lower half of my body die down a little bit. Though the pain I felt in my chest hadn't gone away. The nurse went over to talk to Edward, and then left the room. Why did she leave? I still hurt.

Edward came over to me and placed his hand over my heart, it helped the pain a little. It cooled it down. He kissed my forehead and we just sat. I could tell that he was really worried about me, he wouldn't leave my side for even a second.

After a few days in the hospital, my throat allowed me to talk again. Edward and I would have hour long conversations about nothing. He would talk about how much he had missed me, and how much he wanted to come back to me every day that he was gone. I let him do the majority of the talking, his voice helped me relax.

Charlie stopped by every now and then, he spent most of his time over at the Clearwater's though. He would have liked to spend every second with me, but the nurses told him that I would most likely make a full recovery and that Alice (Edward) would be in visiting me all the time. I convinced him to help with Sue. She needs him more than I do.

The burning in my chest didn't let up even slightly. The nurses were worried about me; which wasn't very soothing. They would come in to check on me about every half hour and I spent at least 20 hours of the day asleep. They kept assuring me that I was fine, but neither Edward nor I missed the worried looks they gave each other when they thought we weren't looking.

After three days of the nurses lying right to my face, I couldn't take it any longer. When a nurse named Claire came in, I decided it was time for the truth.

"Hey, um, are you sure that I'm going to be fine? My chest still hurts really bad and I'm tired all the time." Her eyes got wide as she looked at me. I could tell she wasn't going to lie to me again. I became nervous because she didn't answer right away. I looked over to Edward, I could see the worry on his face as he read her thoughts.

"Well Isabella, we think that your heart may be acting up a little. And we're not sure yet, but according to the information we have right now," She paused, "You might not make it."

Across the room, Edward's cell phone buzzed. He got up and walked to the back wall and answered. He was mumbling and I couldn't tell what he was saying. When he hung up he returned the phone to his pocket and turned around slowly.

"Excuse me Claire, may I please have a moment alone with Bella?" The nurse nodded and left the room. He didn't respond immediately when she left.

"Edward who was that?" When I asked, he ran to me and grabbed my face between his hands. He kissed me for the longest time. He didn't let me go.

"Edward?" I whispered to him. He got up from bending over me.

"Bella. Bella. Bella." He was pacing around the room, almost pulling out his hair. I wanted to know what was going on.

"Edward. What's wrong?" I asked him with a demanding tone.

He turned to me and sat down in his chair beside the bed. He took my hands and kissed my palms. He didn't answer for a while, but I knew that he was going to.

"Bella, that was Alice. She…Um…She just told me…that you weren't…going to um, well…She just told me that you aren't going to make it."

I didn't quite know how to answer to that. Alice had seen me die, and she called Edward. And now Edward was worrying and telling me. My mind was having a hard time wrapping itself around this.

"I don't know what to say." I didn't.

"Bella, I've already lived without you for so long. I can't do it again."


	2. Chapter 2

Maybe death won't be so bad. There are a lot of things I would never have to do. Like getting married, paying bills, growing old while Edward stayed the same age. That was the only one that actually mattered though.

He still didn't want me. If he did, he would have told me. He would have grabbed my face, and told me. But he didn't. And so, here I am thinking of how nice death could be.

"Bella, I can't" He's been saying this for hours, even though I've stopped answering. We've had this particular discussion before; many times. I think that all that's going to be said, has been said. In as however many forms he wants to put it, it goes like this; 'Bella I don't want you, I want you to die so I don't have to deal with you for an eternity.' Ok, those weren't his exact words, but they might as well have been. Long story short, I'm going to die. No, he's _letting _me die.

"Bella, I can't"

"Edward, I heard you the first time."

He took his head out from behind his hands and looked at me. His beautiful topaz eyes, they didn't look so beautiful anymore. He usually doesn't let me see his emotions, but I suppose he didn't really mind right now. There was so much pain. Beautiful but painful. It's exactly how it's always been; for both of us.

He got up from his chair across the room and headed toward me. He remained standing though, which was odd. Was he smiling?

"Edw-" I was going to ask him what was going on, but I was cut off. He lifted me from my hospital bed, undoing all of the wires that were on me. One of the machines started beeping wildly, and we were gone. He was running. I missed this; the feeling I get when I run with him. It's been so long.

We were at his house in a matter of seconds. He set me down and told me to ask Esme for a pair of clothes. I walked into the house, leaving him outside.

"Esme?" I asked. She came down the stairs and stood right next to me.

"Bella dear? What do you need?" I couldn't stand it. I would miss Esme, I just remembered how much I would miss _all _of the Cullens. I started tearing and flung my arms around her. In response, she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and kissed the top of my head. I tried to ask her for clothes through tears, but I couldn't.

"Ja-sper" I choked. Esme nodded and called for Jasper very lightly. I didn't look up but I could tell when he came down. My tears subsided immediately. I looked up from Esme's shoulder and saw three new arrivals to the room; Carlisle, Alice, and Jasper. All of them with looks of confusion and understanding. It was an odd mixture of feelings to have all at once.

"Esme, may I please borrow some clothes?" I remembered why I came In here in the first place.

"Of course dear." She left and went up stairs.

Alice ran over to me and look my hand. She kissed my cheek and I realized that I would miss Alice more than I should.

Esme returned a second later with clothes in her hand. I took them and went off to the first floor bathroom to change. When I closed the door I could hear them asking each other what was going on. Nobody knew, including me.

I walked back out to Edward, who was standing exactly where he was before, only he was facing towards the forest.

"What was that for?" He turned to face me a second before I spoke. I stopped walking towards him, as he was already by my side in a matter of moments.

"You'll find out soon love. I want to make sure you have a great day." His voice saddened toward the end. I knew what he was doing now. He was taking me out for my last day with him. Ever.

"This is my last day." It wasn't a question.

"Time to go." He lifted me into his arms and we were off.

I must have fallen asleep, because I don't remember traveling very far. Though, I knew we had gone quite a distance.; the sky was blue, not gray. The sun was shining, though we were in the shade. Why would he bring me here, to somewhere he could be exposed? There were, to my knowledge, no people around. I couldn't see anything but trees and grass. I liked it, it was very green.

We continued to move at incredible speed for at least another hour. I could see the ocean now. It was beautiful, of all the years living in Arizona I've never once seen an ocean. "Oh!" I exclaimed as we made a sudden stop.

"I thought it would be nice to visit California. It would be a first for both of us." He set me down on the sand, it was warm. So different from my preferred place, but it was nice. He sat next to me. In the sun. I looked around nervously for people passing by.

"Calm down love, I made sure no one would intrude on us. Just relax." How could he be so calm? It was my last day, and he was calm…? He wanted _me _to be calm!?

"Edward, why won't you change me? I thought you loved me?" I hit a nerve. His face got serious, and it had a hint of pain. I shouldn't have added that last part; but a part of me was glad I had said it.

He didn't answer me, instead he took my face and kissed me. It wasn't that normal, careful kiss he always gave me; it was serious. I never wanted it to stop. But, of course, it had to. He lifted me onto his lap, and I sat there. He wasn't so cold when he sat in the sun, not really.

That's how we spent that entire day; and I wouldn't have had it any other way. We were utterly alone and nothing disturbed the peace we felt. We just sat. He occasionally would put his hand under my chin and lift up my face so he cold kiss me or he would re-position my body to become closer to him.

The realization that I was dying, and this was the last day I had with Edward struck when the sun went behind the horizon, and it became dusk. All of the fears I let myself forget today came rushing back to me at that one second. I didn't want to die. It was hard to believe that I ever had wanted to. There's no going back now, I haven't got a chance. Well, actually I do; but he's too stubborn to comply.

"Edward did Alice tell you how I was going to die?" I wasn't so sure if I wanted the answer,. I looked up at his face; he was thinking. Hard. He looked down at me, and kissed my forehead.

"She said that your heart was going to fail you tonight, and that I should make sure you remember your last day; when you're in heaven." My heart? But I feel fine? Must be some sudden thing.

"When tonight?"

"I wouldn't let her tell me. I didn't want to be able to count down the moments of your death. Bella please know that I love you, and I always have. I always will." He hugged me closer to him, and we watched the sun go completely behind the water and the moon rise up.

**Edward's P.O.V**

She was in my arms one second, and on the sand the next. Her eyes fluttering and going back in her head. I could hear her gasping my name and calling for me with what little breathe she had left. There must not be a god, he wouldn't let this angel die like this.

"Ed-" Her voice cut off and she started crying from the pain. Her grip loosened on my hand and I knew that she wouldn't be in pain much longer. I took her head in my hands and kissed her one last time. That kiss would last me forever. I would never get a new one. Ever.

**Alice's P.O.V**

We were all awkwardly quiet. All 6 of us. The TV was off and none of the chess boards were out. No books, no sketch pads, no iPod's…nothing. Jasper wasn't trying to cheer any of us up right now, I didn't blame him. The room's atmosphere was harsher than I ever remember. We were all waiting for Edward's call. The one that would confirm what we already knew would happen.

"There's the phone." I whispered as Carlisle grabbed it from his pocket. Jasper tightened his arm around my shoulders and I dug my head into his chest. I didn't want to hear what Edward had to say.

"Alright. Bring her home Edward. She would want to be home. No, we'll take care of that; just come home son." He hung up the phone and returned to the couch. Is eyes told us all we needed to know.

"He'll be home in a couple of hours. He's bringing her body home. If you don't want to be here, we won't judge you if you leave." He spoke with no confidence, no emotion. Just words.

**Esme's P.O.V**

This was the second time I had lost a child. The feeling of that can not be described. My heart, however dead it may be, had taken another monumental toll. I reached for Carlisle's hand and he took me into his arms. Across the room, I could see Alice and Jasper head upstairs. Rose and Emmett went out to the garage, and I heard Rosalie's car start up.

We were alone with our thoughts. It was torture; knowing that Edward would bring here body back to the house. It's one thing to know she's gone. It's another entirely to see it for myself.

"She's really gone Carlisle. My third daughter…Gone." I was broken beyond repair. I loved Bella like I loved any member of my family. She _was_ family.

"You still have her in your memories and in your heart Esme. As long as you have that, she'll never really be gone." He said it, but I could tell that he didn't mean it. He would miss her just as much as I would.

**Edward's P.O.V**

Her body was limp and lifeless. Although she was still beautiful. Her hair wrapped around her ears and falling down off her shoulders. Her eyes closed and her eye shadow showing. Blue. She always wore blue. She was beautiful in blue.

I was expecting her body to come back to life and her eyes to open. But as every second passed, It became more and more obvious to me that it would never happen. She would never wake up to me by her side, and smile. I would never see her graduate high school, or college. I would never get to see my mother's wedding ring on her finger. I would never get to see her in a white dress walking towards me. Never see her grow old. Never see her die of old age. It was the life I wanted for her; us. I would never see it happen. I don't know what I'll do. She was the reason for existing, and without her…existence isn't worth it anymore.

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**Unfortunately, this will probably be the last chapter. If i get a few reviews with ideas of what to do next, there's a possibility that i will continue. I have just run out of thoughts(: Anyway, hope you like it! Review plzzz ;D**


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